I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
LOOOOOOL
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues