You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
You Might Also Like
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
How is it still this week?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
do what now??
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*