Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo