Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.