me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*