Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
so, is there a mister shapen head
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.