Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]