I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.