Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
my mind
You just read my mind
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*