I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
United Steaks of America
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Ape together strong
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.