Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time