Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
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“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered