Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.