“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.