Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Uh oh…
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*