Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
How all things should be taught/explained.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.