Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.