If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.