My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
How to properly lift a body
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you