My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office