As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy