Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.