Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.