Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
The smoothest fall of all time
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.