A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”