When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
do horses think humans are hats
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck