‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
where the womens at?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”