Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?