any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome