Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
You Might Also Like
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Rt to bother an English speaker
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
There’s never enough good news
Seas the day!!!!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.