That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.