I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.