ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin