Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
You Might Also Like
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?