*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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Me checking my bank balance online.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
the saddest jazz hands ever
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake