I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes