Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep