social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.