[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?