me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I am crying
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
multitasking lunch
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.