waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You Might Also Like
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.