The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade