MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology