Now wait a minute- 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That鈥檚 a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba鈥檚 birthday
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I鈥檓 going to do something you鈥檙e really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
If someone doesn鈥檛 reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it