Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
THIS HEADLINE
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My boss called in sick of me
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.