But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
58.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!