Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers