Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
How dramatic are you?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.