Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
This is my bus stop.