I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune